In this episode, Erin Saxton talks with relationship expert and author Angela N. Holton about her work, the Conscious Dating Method, which creates a new narrative around dating that is helping women shift their mindset around dating and relationships. Angela is a conscious dating and relationship expert, international speaker, life strategist, author, and Founder of Love Sanctuary. She is the author of the eBook, The Love Sanctuary Guide: 30 Days To Deepen Your Relationship To Love & Abundance and the co-author of Whispers of the Heart and Manifesting Modern Miracles. Today, Angela defines conscious dating and shares some practical tips for attracting the love you want. She also reveals the biggest mistakes single people make when dating and takes a deep dive into vulnerability and rejection in dating and why they are important.
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Erin Gets Dating Tips from Conscious Dating Expert and Author, Angela N. Holton
Our subject is dating. Love, lust, falling in love, falling in like. Everybody knows that I have Rudy in my life and we’ve been together, so I am off the market but I did have fun dating and searching for him. To help you find the love of your life as I’ve found with Rudy is Angela N. Holton. She’s the Founder of the Conscious Dating Method.
Erin, thank you so much for having me.
Thank you so much for being here. Conscious dating is better than being unconscious and dating. What’s the Conscious Dating Method?
You’re actually awake. You’re conscious and alert. You’re dating to learn about yourself. You’re dealing with for your self-awareness, self-knowledge, self-love and it’s dating with a more heart-centered focus. It’s not just dating in search of someone. It’s dating to become the person that you’re seeking so that you attract that higher vibration of the mate that you’re looking for.
How did you realize there was a need for this? Was it from your own experience?
We teach what we experience. What we know is what people experience, what we learn best is you’ve been through. I’ve been on that journey of dating far longer than I ever imagined I would be. I saw the need for it because of how men were showing up to dating, but also how women were showing up to dating. I had this awareness for myself that people need to talk about modern dating. People are frustrated, they’re confused. How can we raise the bar of dating by raising ourselves? I saw the need for women to become more conscious. Women come to me and they say, “What about men?” Someone has to start. Whether it’s men or women, we all have to come into this dating fold at a higher level of consciousness. It has to change.
For all of those out there that aren’t dating, don’t have to date, don’t want to date or are already married and daydream about dating. Walk everybody what is it like to be a modern dater? Life has changed in the dating circle since our parents dated.Dating online increases your dating pool exponentially. Click To Tweet
Times have changed. Technology has changed us and how we interact, how we connect or disconnect. We have to change with these modern times. First, for the women who aren’t dating, who want to be dating, to be a modern woman dating in our world, you have to be dating online. Liking or disliking it is the reality that we’re in. It increases your dating pool exponentially. You meet people that you wouldn’t otherwise meet. Women being on or off about dating online, “I hate it, it’s gross.” How else are you going to expand your dating pool? How else are you going to meet the guy from New Jersey if you live in California? It opens up our opportunities. If you’re not dating online, don’t wait for your doorbell ring for him to show up. Get online and date out of caveat. That doesn’t mean that you’re going to meet your man online. You might meet him someplace else, but you’re creating the energy of attraction. You’re putting yourself out there to magnetize what you want to you.
How many dating apps or dating sites do you recommend people be on?
I like to recommend two at a time. Two that are either polarized and what they offer or one paid subscription and one free membership, or maybe you do one-speed dating service or one matchmaking service. Sometimes you just might see some of the same inter suitors on the same sites, but why not?
I would always see the same suitors on the same sites and then they’d go away and then they come back. I’m like, “It didn’t work out for them.” I started getting to know people. It’s a weird way to meet friends and you acknowledge. There was this one guy who was way too short for me and I was too tall for him, but we decided to get together. We ended up meeting because we were friends and we got together and we started talking about dating. It wasn’t going to work out. That’s fine. I don’t need anyone making me feel bigger. I like Andre the Giant for dating because I’d feel petite. What brings me up to that is the taste and filling out the profile. I fill out my friend’s profiles for them. It’s a marketing thing and as a marketer, I know what you need to put in there so you represent yourself truthfully. You’d never want to lie on these things. If he has to make a certain amount of money and he has to have brown hair and he has to have blue eyes. The search parameters are so small. It’s no longer a dating pool. It’s a dating puddle.
Women have to create their profiles so they represent themselves in the best way. Oftentimes, if you struggle to write and compliment yourself, have a friend or someone else write it. Conscious dating is about being intentional on what you want, who you are, what are you bringing to the table? Highlight your greatest attributes in your profile and then state your disclaimer. State what are absolute deal-breakers, non-negotiable? Tell them when to swipe left. Guide the men into what you want. State your core values. You meet women all the time, you don’t know what their core values are. Put one core value that is a non-negotiable for you in your bio.
Give us an example of a core value for people that don’t speak that conscious language.
For me, my integrity, honesty, faith. Someone who’s spiritual and has faith is very important for me, education, family. Whatever those values that are important to you, list a few of them and then add something quirky or funny because there are so many people on there. Say something unique that’s going to make you stand out. Whether it’s your favorite quote from a movie or something quirky that’s funny about you. I meet men who say that women are over-filtering their photos. I read one where a man said, “Ladies, please stop with the filtering on your photos. You look like mannequins.” They’re deceptive about their age and if they have children. Ladies, if you have children, own your kids.
How could you just be a mom or a dad? Eventually, that’s going to come out. Can you imagine you’re on your fifth date, you’re falling for somebody and all of a sudden they’re like, “I have five kids. I’m exhausted. I gave birth to them.” You knew you had five kids. They’re in high school. They’ve been around a long time. Even in age, one year off, when I used to find that out, it upsets it all. The right person will find you. The right person will love that you have five kids. The right person will love that you’re 37 or 63.
You want to start off with transparency on both sides. If you’re asking him to be transparent, be transparent about your age. I had this conversation with someone about their age and I understand. I used to fudge my age a little bit.
The creator of the Conscious Dating Method would fudge her age?
I bought into that. Men aren’t going to like me if I’m older and if they want children. They’re going to dismiss me regardless of what I might look like, whether I’m still childbearing or not. They’re going to judge me by that number. As I’ve evolved and grown spiritually and as a conscious woman, my age is out there. The right person is going to love how old I am. They’re going to love the way I look, who I am in my life and all that I’ve worked for and all my values. They are going to be a great fit for me.
Plus, there’s always going to be an older man who loves you for your age. As we get older, our dating height, the ceiling is raised but eventually, those older guys are now going to want younger girls. I hear so many people saying, “There’s nobody for me even the websites for the seniors or the active adults.” At the end of the day, there is a certain sweet spot to be age-wise, a woman and then once you’re out of that spot, the dating becomes more competitive.
The important thing is to keep a positive mindset because that’s what the Conscious Dating Method is about is shifting your mindset. If you believe that there’s a scarcity of men, if you believe that men aren’t going to want you because of your age, that’s the reality you’re going to create. All you need is one person. You need one person who connects with you regardless of your age, whatever dating era you are in your life, they want you. I find for certain women 40 and over, it’s a great time to be single because they may have gotten divorced. There are so many single men in their 40s and 50s. It’s not a fun process. There are a lot of frogs to kiss, but the more you go through those string of dates, you meet people you connect with. I’ve had some incredible, amazing dates. Conscious dating and the Conscious Dating Method is about learning about yourself. There was no such thing as a bad date. You’re going to go out and date and learn something about yourself. Maybe you learn a core value you didn’t know you had. Maybe you thought height was so important to you, “I don’t mind that he’s only 5’7” or 5’6”.” It’s getting out there and discovering yourself. I don’t know if you’d largely speak to women, but a lot of women don’t know exactly what they’re looking for because they don’t know themselves completely.
Our readers are pretty mixed and there are a lot of guys that read that need to date as well. What I found when I was doing the work on is me is I was tearing through dates. I was good at it because here’s why. I love meeting people. There was never a date that bummed me out. I would never say no to a date because it might not have been a love connection, but it was somebody that is so nice to know. I’ve said that if I could fill up a football stadium and get to know everybody in the stadium for a sentence or have a quick exchange, I will. For me, when I found Rudy and that the dating sites turned off, I was thrilled to fall in love and have Rudy. I have this show, so I’m gaining it again. I did lose for a moment that outlet of meeting new people because I’m so curious about everyone.The right person is going to love who you are, how old you are, the way you look, your values, and all that you’ve worked for. Click To Tweet
It’s curiosity. Be curious about meeting other people and having conversations. Sometimes if you’ve been single a long time, what’s your conversation like? If you’re at home with ice cream and Netflix for years, you’ve got to get out there and practice. It’s the other principle of conscious dating. Practice and preparation for the relationship you want to call in. If you’re home every day spending all this time by yourself and not engaging in meeting people like you are. How do you connect? How do you flirt? How do you dial it up a little bit? Date to have fun, to learn about yourself. Meet new people. Not every day going in there with the mindset, “Is he the one?” I want to remove that desperation because when we want it so badly, it stays away from us. We keep it away.
What do you say to the men and women in their 40s or 50s and they’re set in their ways and they think they’re proud of that, “It’s too late for me, I need a guy, I need a woman who is going to do this, I’m not changing?” I hear that and it’s like nails on a chalkboard for them, not for me. It’s such a rigid way of looking at life. I think that’s sad. I’m not sad for them. There’s no pity. I’m going, “What do you want more? Do you want to bring in a partner, even that nice friend to go to weddings with or do you like listening to great aunts and cousins at family parties?” A lot of us are single. Before I met Rudy, sometimes you don’t want to hang out with your girlfriend. You need the perspective of a guy. I like guys.
You need no energy. First of all, have them call me and join the Conscious Dating Method course.
That’s why you were here. I want to help my friends, my family and my community. I worked with somebody to drop all the, “I knew I had baggage, but I thought I had it all concise and a little carry on like change purse.” When I started looking in it, it would turn out to be a satchel, a backpack and a hefty bag and I thought, “I’ve got to get rid of some of this.” Some of it was pre-programmed. It wasn’t anything majorly wrong. It was little shifts that I didn’t know was keeping me from Rudy.
Sometimes those shifts are subtle. We’re curious about other things in life. We want to continue to learn and grow. We have to continue to learn and grow and seek within ourselves. I don’t want to stop learning and growing and becoming a better person. If you have air and breath in your body, why should we stop growing, evolving, being the best version of ourselves? Rigidity, if it hasn’t worked for you for the last 20, 30, 40 years, it’s not going to work for you in your 50s. Be flexible. Discover something new about yourself. I believe you’re never too old to change. It takes commitment and consistency and the willingness to want to do it.
Walk me through the eight weeks of the Conscious Dating Method. People are online, they tune in and they pay a monthly fee. Give me some of the housekeeping info that we might want to know about.
It’s a virtual live course and we meet on Zoom. I’m live on the course. I have eight modules that talk about principles of not just dating, but the relationship to self. I want people to change how they’re showing up. Showing up not just in relationships but for themselves at work and who they look at themselves in the mirror. I want that to shift. We address different topics from vulnerability, transparency, communication, debunking negative belief systems. We talk about judgment, self-love, compassion, dealing with rejection, a lot of different topics. They get homework. I give them writing assignments as well as handouts and then they go on at least one date every week. They come back and tell me and report to the group and me what they learned about themselves. That’s what’s most pivotal. What did you learn about yourself? If you learned something new about yourself, you didn’t have a bad date. You had an awesome date. Every person that you go out with that’s a no for you, you’re getting that much closer to your guy.
What if somebody comes home from the date they log in and they said, “I met him. He is great and we had sex.”
No judgment. You have to do what’s right for you. I don’t want to judge women. I know people that got married and are still married and they had sex on their first date. I don’t want to judge, but I want people to do what is in line with their spiritual integrity or what feels right for them. If it doesn’t feel right and you regretted it in the morning and you’re judging yourself, that’s wasn’t the best choice for you. We’re women, we’re men. We have physical and emotional needs. Do what feels good. I also have to add that sex is powerful. It’s a connector. It binds us. If you have grieved all your past losses and you’re at this place of healing and wholeness, maybe be prudent about who you allow back into that sacred space of yours because it is very sacred.
I also feel the energy in any relationship the minute you even kiss or do anything, hold hands, have sex. There’s an energy shift there. If you don’t get to know them properly, you missed the climb on the roller coaster and you’re at that last ten seconds and you miss some fun loops. You missed a crazy drop.
The first kiss, the first handhold, the first base, second base, all of those things. You miss it if you jump right in. If your intention is to find a long-term committed relationship, if you delay sexual intercourse, you give yourself a chance to get to know someone and then you might decide, “I don’t want to go to bed with them with him.” If you figure out it early on and then your feelings are involved and you’re already caught up in the rapture. It’s a harder time to walk away if you find out this is someone that was not worthy of you or that you don’t get along with, then you’ve got this connection. I don’t give a timeline. You’ve got to do what feels right. Get to know someone.
Post photos of yourself that make sense. One of my stories with a profile, the men especially and women too. The women are scantily dressed and men want to see full body. I hate that but I get it. Always have a full-body shot. That’s complimentary. Men though, they post up like five photos and they’re all standing in crowds of people. They never say which one they are. We know that there’s a bunch of five guys do a lot of things together. It’s the same five guys in all the photos. We get that you are a close-knit group, but who are you? They’re wondering why or where they upload the photo and it’s upside down. I’m like, “We can’t date you. You don’t even upload a photo correctly.”
They’ll have their dog or cat as their profile picture.
I don’t care where you all went on vacation. I don’t need to see a Tibetan Monk. I don’t need to see a lily pad or a rainbow. This isn’t some inspirational Friday photo like, “Hang in there. You can do it.” No, I don’t need to know. Yes, I know you go on vacation. I’ve met so many phony baloneys. Who’s to say they even took those photos?There is no such thing as a bad date. You're going to go out and date and learn something about yourself. Click To Tweet
There’s catfishing out there, you’ve got to be careful with that.
Explain what catfishing is.
It’s a false fake profile where someone has uploaded a picture and who’s writing and responding. This person either doesn’t exist or the person is fabricating who they are and they’re texting you and messaging you and they’re not the person who’s in the photo. Be careful if they never want to meet you in person. If they’re this amazingly stud looking guy. They’re in different time zones so they can’t call you. They’re not as gregarious and sociable as their photo might make them be.
There’s one advice I’ll give out. I was so good at dating I created a company called Frog Charmer. I never did the show. My point was you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to your prince charming. There are apps like the Scrabble app, Words With Friends. People are contacting you everywhere. I’m saying this to people that even if you’re not trying to date and you think somebody is lovely in some app. I get approached a few times. They say, “Dear.” I don’t know why they all use that. They always try to talk to you on an app that is like Yahoo or Google Messenger or something that you won’t be able to trace them back. They won’t have any social media presence. It’s odd. They’ll say they work for the government or they’ll do construction or building in Europe and they’re getting a contract. They’ll soon ask you for money. Don’t send it. You are going to believe that this one’s different and that you’re special. You’re not. He’s not different. Trust me, I’ve been through this. One of the things I like to do is called proof of life.
Remember that movie with Meg Ryan called Proof of Life. They were kidnapped. Everywhere you are, stationed in Afghanistan, you’re a Nigerian Prince. Women are the worst. They do this even more to men than women get done to them. I say, “Send me a photo of yourself with a newspaper.” I’m matching your face with the photos of you and all your five guys with a newspaper.” That usually takes the romanticism out. I do it because I’ve been approached by so many scammers and they’re so good. They’re so smooth and they know exactly what to say to you. I’ve seen a lot of people get hurt by this. I’m very passionate about it.
You have to be careful. I recommend that people often get Google phone numbers or some type of number that is not your main cellular number. I think that a man who is honest and a non-scammer, he’s going to be willing to take a picture. I find that men want women that feel comfortable. It’s like, “If you’re not ready to give me your number, that’s fine.” If they don’t send a picture, I think they’re married for sure.
Is this more stuff that if somebody calls in during your class, the Conscious Dating Method, do they have you as a resource to make sure that they’re on the right track?
Everybody comes back and they talk about their mishaps. A lot of women come back and they’re excited. They discovered something new about themselves or they wear red lipstick or they wear color. I push the envelope and have women, especially if there’s rigidity there. This course is for women because I want women to have a safe space to feel comfortable. I encourage them with the tactics of dating. I go beyond tactical dating. I want them to learn deeper, more enriched skills about themselves.
Where can everyone get in touch with you directly?
Thank you so much for being here. I love the work that you’re doing. It’s something I’m very interested in. I want to stay in touch with this because this is a topic that I love and I want everyone to find love and be at peace and happiness. Thank you for doing everything that you’re doing because it’s not easy to get out there and date. You’re doing a great thing.
Thank you so much. I encourage women to tell people that you’re single. Tell everyone you know that you’re interested in meeting someone. Sometimes I find that women will be very quiet about it or they’re super embarrassed if they’re still single at a certain age. I understand that. I felt that at one point in my life. Let everyone know that you’re interested and you’re confident with yourself and you want to meet some. It may not be online. You might meet them someplace else. Don’t give up hope. We’re all in this together. Thank you, Erin, for having me. You’re amazing at this.
About Angela N. Holton
Angela N. Holton is an International Coach and Speaker, Author, and Founder of Love Sanctuary, an online spiritual and personal development site centered on helping individuals create success and transformation through Self-Empowerment and Self-Love.
She is the author of the Ebook, “The Love Sanctuary Guide: 30 Days To Deepen Your Relationship To Love & Abundance,” and Co-Author of “Whispers of the Heart”, “Manifesting Modern Miracles”, and “111 Morning Meditations: Create Your Day With Intention”. Angela writings have appeared on multiple online publications, including, Huffington Post, The Glow Up by The Root, Tiny Buddha, and Elephant Journal.
Angela has appeared on various radio talk shows and podcasts, including America Meditating Radio Show, LA Talk Radio, The Great Girlfriends, Networking with Michelle (Ngome) and more.